Here With Me
by Knight of Honor1
Summary: San is torn between her love for Ashitaka and her bitter hatred for the human of Irontown. A songfic to


Here With Me

_I didn't hear you leave_

_I wonder how am I still here_

_And I don't want to lose a thing_

_It might change my memory_

San sat in the dim gray cave and peered out at the rain drenched forest. Her forest, the forest of the Gods. How she loved it and Moro and the wolves. They were her clan, her family. She wasn't  human. She was a wolf. She belonged here. 

She turned to look at the sleeping form beside her.   "Ashitaka…" She breathed. She gently brushed a strand of hair from his peaceful face.  She felt her heart warm at the thought of him. Whether she would admit it or not, this man had stolen her heart. But he was man. And she… She was wolf. Wasn't she? But, Ashitaka made her feel so…human. 

She gazed back out at the treetops. Yes, she had been raised by the wolves as a wolf. Yes, she fought with them against the humans and against the destruction of the forest. Didn't that make her a wolf, regardless of her physical form? Yes. She was a wolf.

 _I am what I am_

_I'll do what I want_

_But I can't hide_

_I won't go_

_I won't sleep_

_I can't breath until you're resting here with me_

_I won't leave _

_And I can't hide _

_I cannot be until you're resting here with me_

            Ashitaka stirred next to her. San's gazed shifted back to his lovely face. She couldn't deny she cared for him. She had tried to convince herself that she felt nothing for him but that was a lost cause. If she did not care for him, she why had she brought him to the Forest Spirit after the humans had shot him? Why had she nursed him back to health? 

She remembered vividly when he had first roused after the Spirit had healed him. He had been so weak that he could not even eat. She had taken the food and softened it. San closes her eyes, remembering how she had pressed her lips to his own soft mouth and fed the nourishment to him. A strange shiver went up her spine at the memory. For some reason, it pleased her to touch his lips with her own. Wasn't that a human custom? To touch lips as a sign of affection? No matter. She was wolf.

I don't want to call my friends 

_They might wake me from this dream _

_And I can't leave this bed_

_Risk forgetting all that's been_

            Moro and San's brother wolves hated humans. Hated them for what they had done to the forest. The trees cried. Burned and cut down. What had taken hundreds of years to grow was destroyed in a few years by the damn humans. They tolerated Ashitaka's presence only because San asked it of them. The wolves and the Forest were her family. 

San thought, 'I could never abandon them to go with Ashitaka.' San gasped. Had she really been contemplating leaving with Ashitaka? The very thought that she had even considered it made her feel wretched and vile.

'What are you thinking?' she berated herself bitterly, 'That you're in love?'

The word shocked her senses like electricity. "Love."

"No…it can't be. I'm a wolf. I must fight the humans and defend the Forest, the luscious, green, beautiful Forest. San stared at Ashitaka and found, to her horror, that he was more beautiful to her than the green forest that was her home. 

'Oh, but he is so beautiful.' She sighed resignedly. She could not deny it any longer. She loved him. But that would not keep her from fighting the humans. She was a wolf.

_I am what I am_

_I'll do what I want_

_But I can't hide_

            She would fight to save the forest. The animals and the forest lived in peace and harmony. A divine balance that had been ordained since the dawn of time. The humans would destroy it all, take the world, piece by piece until there was nothing left. And that damn vile Ebboshi woman would lead them. She would destroy the forest to quench the greed of her people. Damn, vile, wretched race. Couldn't they see? The earth will die if they didn't stop. Couldn't they see the beauty of nature and be happy with that? Couldn't they see the beauty of a dew-covered blade of grass or a blossoming cherry tree or of a clear running spring? Why must they destroy everything? San would never stop until all threat to the forest was eradicated.

_I wont' go_

_I won't sleep_

_I can't breath_

_Until you're resting here with me _

_I won't leave _

_And I can't hide _

_I cannot be until you're resting here with me_

But Ashitaka…He would never help her fight the humans nor would he help the humans fight the forest gods. San sighed. She brushed the strand on hair back into place one last time. She stood and walked to the mouth of the cave. And turned to gaze and the young man asleep inside. She stood looking at him a long time. Then she turned and walked out, mounting her powerful wolf steed. Perhaps someday they could be together, she thought as her wolf brother bounded off. Perhaps they could find a way to live in peace. San turned to gaze at the cave as it disappeared into the distance. Someday…


End file.
